A PRE-STEP, FOLLOWED BY THE 5 STEPS
Now that we have established that resilience is the foundation for handling failure in negotiation, we can build on that footing by gaining a deeper understanding of the types and magnitudes of failures we might face. This will be the topic of Chapter 1, and we'll follow that in Chapter 2 by examining the potential barriers to truly learning from these failures. These chapters are an essential pre-step to the 5 steps for getting back to the table that are outlined in the rest of the book. Honestly, as a reader you might not enjoy these first few chapters, because nobody truly enjoys examining their setbacks and failures in the way that we will. However, we simply can't progress as negotiators without this knowledge and thorough examination. This part of the book will be the most challenging for many readers, but it is imperative that we push ourselves by turning the mirror inward.
We will then make a shift to the aforementioned 5-step process, so we have a framework from which to learn and to master over time. This is the missing piece for so many of the people I have spoken with, from whom I hear, "I failed—now what? I don't really know what to do to make sense of it all!"
The 5-step process will help you answer the following questions:
* What do I do when I have failed?
* How do I really learn from what happened, so I don't make those mistakes in future negotiations and I become a better negotiator in the end?
* If it is still possible, how do I get back to the table in a particular negotiation that failed but is still very important to
me?
Here is a very short preview of the steps, and a bit about their sequence. The first step in the process is to accept the failure and cope with it. For most of us this may very well be the most challenging of the 5 steps, because of what we believe it says about us to ourselves and to others. However, as much as we might like this to be a completely logical and rational process, it is not. There is a strong emotional component that must be addressed initially in order for a negotiator to be in the right mental space to then work through the next steps in the process.
The second step is to conduct a deep dive into what happened and why, examining both the Forest and the Trees from an analytical point of view. The Forest is the big picture. It is valuable to start our analysis here and try to get an accurate perspective of what really happened at this level. Too often, we dive quickly into the details and miss some big-picture items. When we have done the Forest analysis accurately, this will give us a stronger foundation to look at the Trees (i.e., the details), carefully assessing our micro behaviors and the individual decisions that led us to the
setback or failure.
Following that probing, the third step is learning lessons—the correct ones—from our failure. There are many lessons from a failed negotiation that are critical to grasp, but there is a very important distinction to be made here: Unless we are very careful it is easy to learn the wrong lessons from our failures, which in turn will give us a false sense of comfort. That will set us up for problems in the future. Instead, in this step we must really hone in on learning the right lessons and when they may or may not be applicable in our upcoming negotiations. To enable this it's important to be aware of what dimensions to compare between negotiations, such as the number of negotiating parties, negotiation styles, and dynamics, including time and time pressure, power, generations, gender, and culture. That way, we can be sure we are comparing apples to apples and not apples to watermelons.
Once we have done this critical learning, the fourth step is about actively unlearning the things that led to our failure. The thinking and behaviors we must unlearn are more broadly connected to our weaknesses in negotiation. When we actively unlearn the things that caused us the problem, we create new space to learn innovative ways of thinking and approaching negotiation differently.
The last step in the process is returning to the table smarter and stronger thanks to the knowledge we have gained. As in many fields, knowledge breeds confidence, and this process will help us build our negotiation competence slowly and surely. We will also learn how to deal with the uncertainty of the process and discover ways of becoming more adaptable, so we can maintain our confidence throughout as much of the negotiation as possible. With this 5-step
process in mind, when failures happen in the future in the course of our negotiation endeavors, we will know what to do to deal with them and how to really learn from them.
Finally, let me be clear about what is meant by getting back to the table. There are actually two meanings to this term, depending on the circumstances. The first is when a failure has happened, but the door has not been completely shut on that specific negotiation process. There is an opportunity, albeit not an easy path, to get back to the table to continue negotiating. In this case, getting back to the table is much more focused on the near term and a specific negotiation process. The second meaning of getting back to the table has to do with the longer term. If we have failed, the door is closed, and no further negotiations are going to happen in this particular instance, how do we truly learn from what happened so we can grow and develop as a negotiator in the future? The quest to be the best negotiator possible requires this type of reflection and in-depth examination. So, let's get started!
